


your hands protect the flames (from the wild winds around you)

by littleghost



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode: s02e15 A Problem of Memory, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, aftermath of the body swap too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-23 01:55:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11392956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleghost/pseuds/littleghost
Summary: It’s the safest he’s felt in weeks, with Alec’s calloused hands cradling his face, eyes bright with emotions Magnus can’t hope to untangle.





	your hands protect the flames (from the wild winds around you)

**Author's Note:**

> i had an idea at midnight, and here i am
> 
> sincerest thanks to [Taupefox59](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Taupefox59/pseuds/Taupefox59) for beta-ing and setting me straight about some show plot.

Magnus avoids mirrors. It’s been a long time since he’s done it, even subconsciously. He avoids mirrors because he’s scared of which face he will see. Will it be his own, will he be painting makeup on his face, or will he find Valentine’s staring back at him.

(And even if he did see his own face, what if it was still Valentine behind it?)

His makeup has been sloppy as of late, hastily done so he doesn’t have to look in the mirror any more than he needs to. He doesn’t want to wear makeup, doesn’t want to look at his face, but no one would believe him if he said  _ I’m fine _ without a full face of makeup.

So he soldiers on, paints red on his lids and thick lines of kohl, blends in his highlight, contours his nose. It’s not the best, since he looks in the mirror once and hopes muscle memory tells him how far to move the brush.

Inevitably,  Magnus will wake up with a bare face, with tear stains on his cheeks, with a scream stuck in his throat, he slides out from under Alec’s arm and sits at his vanity and does his makeup. 

He doesn’t think Alec knows, doesn’t think Alec understands how his makeup is his armor, how Magnus can’t live with himself no matter what he does.

His body doesn’t feel like his own, doesn’t feel like Magnus Bane’s, the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

After the fourth morning when he wakes up from a nightmare, he does his makeup in the lounge. The sun is painting the sky in pinks and oranges and reds, and he decides to do his eye makeup like that. 

He has the palette out, his coffee in an old china cup, but when he looks in the mirror he—

All he can think about is when he was nine. He was nine when his mother killed herself. He remembers it vividly. The red of her blood, the  _ keris _ he keeps in his living room, the way she looked asleep.

“There you are.” Alec’s voice breaks Magnus from his memories, and he turns to face his boyfriend. Alec is tugging on a shirt, and Magnus is still able to admire the shifting of his muscles, the dark runes stark on his pale skin.

“Good morning,” Magnus says, smiling, but it feels fake. He knows Alec can tell, because Alec snorts quietly.

“I’d say the same, but it looks like you haven’t slept.”

Magnus rises from his chair and deflects the question, “Should I be insulted by that?”

Alec lets him, and gives a small smile. “No, I love that face.” Magnus manages to give a more genuine smile, but Alec continues. “This is, like, the fourth morning in a row that I’ve woken to an empty bed.”

Magnus looks at the floor, unable to look at his boyfriend’s eyes. He steps closer, hoping their proximity would lead to something else, but Alec is too stubborn.

“Is something bothering you?”

Magnus shakes his head, his fake smile coming back. “Nothing is bothering me. I’ve even gotten used to your adorable little snores.”

“Hey,” he starts, and Magnus’ heart stutters as he hopes Alec doesn’t ignore his deflection, “I don’t snore.”

Magnus mimics the soft snoring he sometimes hears, but only when Alec is truly asleep late at night, and Magnus is still awake next to him, scared to close his eyes.

“Look,” Alec continues, “I know you well enough to know something’s going on.”

“Alexander,” Magnus starts, thumb swiping over Alec’s collarbone. He thinks for a second,  _ what if I tell him _ , before brushing the thought aside. It’s not the first time nor will it be the last time he thinks that. “I’m fine,” he finishes, and leans up to kiss Alec.

He leans back, still smiling, but while Alec has a small smile on his face, Magnus knows his boyfriend doesn’t believe him. Alec’s hands are behind his back, like he’s waiting to give a report.

“Magnus, please, I know something is wrong.” One of his hands come up then, and he cups Magnus’ face, thumb lightly brushing his cheekbone. “There are bags under your eyes, which are red, by the way, and you look like you’re about to keel over. How much sleep have you gotten?”

In the past week? Maybe thirty hours. But he can’t tell Alec that.

“Last night was the best sleep I’ve had,” he says. “In fact, the last four nights were the best.”

“I doubt that, since I can feel you getting about of bed at three.” His thumb stops moving, and Magnus closes his eyes.

He thought—he thought Alec was too deep a sleeper to feel him getting out of bed. He never seemed like he woke up, didn’t do anything besides shift closer to where Magnus was laying.

“Hey,” Alec’s voice is soft, and the hand not on his face lightly lifts his chin up, “look at me, please.”

Magnus opens his eyes, and Alec is looking at him, already smiling. His hand moves so he’s cradling Magnus’ face, and Magnus wants to close his eyes so he doesn’t have to see the affection and worry in Alec’s eyes.

It’s the safest he’s felt in weeks, with Alec’s calloused hands cradling his face, eyes bright with emotions Magnus can’t hope to untangle.

“I love you,” he begins, and stops. He doesn’t know where to go from there, and looks at a spot on Alec’s henley in hopes it will tell him what to say. Alec’s thumb taps on his cheekbone and Magnus’ eyes fly back up to meet his boyfriend’s. “Can we sit down?” he asks, and Alec says, “Of course.”

Alec sits down first, and Magnus settles against him. He’s always cold, despite it being spring and New York finally warming up. Alec’s arm pulls Magnus closer and he rests his head on Alec’s shoulder. He’s quiet for a moment, when he finally starts.

“My mother killed herself when I was nine,” he begins. Alec’s hand tightens and the corners of Magnus’ mouth twitches up. “I try not to think about it. My warlock’s mark came in, and she couldn’t take the fact that she had a warlock so, she killed herself. I found her, too. It was the worst night of my life, and I tried so hard to repress it.

“It’s been awhile since I thought of it, a century almost. I guess I managed to tell myself I was over but. That agony rune didn’t just cause physical pain, it managed to dredge up my worst memories. It was like I was nine again, and finding my mom with a dagger in her stomach.”

“Magnus,” Alec begins, voice soft.

He turns to give Alec a small, sad smile. “I’m not done, darling.” He takes a breath, and continues. “I’m too scared to sleep because I know that’s the only thing I’ll see. Past that, I don’t feel… like myself. I’m scared I’m going to look in the mirror and see his face.”

Alec makes a noise, and Magnus laughs. It sounds a little wet, and he realizes then that he’s crying. “Oh,” he says, surprised.

Alec’s hands come up to wipe away the tears, and Magnus feels his breath stutter. The touch is gentle, and Magnus almost feels like he’s porcelain. It’s been a long time since someone has made him feel so fragile, but he supposes Alec has always been good at breaking Magnus’ expectations of him.

“You know I have nightmares too,” Alec says, and Magnus nods. He’s aware of how Alec jolts awake, body braced for a fight. “Usually, they’re about how I couldn’t save Izzy or Jace, but now they’re about how I couldn’t save you. It wasn’t Valentine in that chair, but you, and I watched as I held you down and let the Inquisitor slit your throat.

“I don’t—I don’t want to make this about me. Really. I just want you to know that, that despite you probably feeling like you don’t want to bother me, I want you to tell me what’s wrong. You’re not as good a liar as you think you are, especially on such little sleep.”

Magnus laughs, because he’s the best liar he knows. Except after Raphael, though his deadpan gives him an edge in any situation.

“Thank you, Alexander,” Magnus murmurs. He shifts so he’s able to lean up and kiss Alec, longer than the one earlier.

With his legs tucked up on the couch beside him, he’s able to move into Alec’s lap, although he doesn’t do anything besides sit there. He’s tired, Alec is warm, and their kisses are slow and languid. Alec’s hands come up to cradle Magnus’ face again, and Magnus smiles into the kiss.

It’s been a long since Magnus kissed his boyfriend like this, like they have all the time in the world. 

He breaks the kiss and presses his forehead against Alec’s. Alec’s hands are still on his face, thumb catching on Magnus’ eyelashes. He laughs, and Alec joins in a moment later.

“I love you,” he repeats, and Alec smiles that dopey smile of his.

“I love you, too, Magnus,” he replies. He leans in for a quick kiss, before suggesting, “How about you try and get some sleep?”

Magnus is tired enough to agree, and he asks, “Can we stay here?”

“Of course,” Alec says.

They shift so Magnus is lying between Alec’s legs, head cushioned on Alec’s chest. He grabs the soft fabric of Alec’s shirt, not even caring if he stretches it out. He can hear Alec’s laugh reverberating in his chest, and he smiles.

Magnus knows he will wake up from a nightmare, but he knows Alec will be there. And despite the guilt he knows Alec still has, Magnus knows Alec will keep him safe.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on [tumblr](https://lesbianroberts.tumblr.com)


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